Sex kept us both interested even during the times when he was being his most horrible self. We were passionate and in love and for a long time, because the sex between us was loving and good, I thought that all was right with the world if we had that despite everything. Then one day, he insulted me during sex and it threw me for a loop. We had fought earlier in the day and I had stood my ground. I hadn’t wanted to play peacemaker that day and knew I was right about something so stupid but he refused to admit he was wrong even when provided with evidence. By the time we got into bed I had long ago let go of the fact that he was being so stubborn. I immediately stopped the action, so to speak, and rolled over. I was numb. It was then I decided, “I am no one’s whore.” I waited to find the “one” and then married him. We grew up together so we grew up learning everything about sex with each other…..I turned back over and looked at him and I could tell, he knew exactly what he had said and now I knew why…he wanted control and he was going to gain it however he could. He had not let go of the fact that I had proved him wrong earlier. I knew right then and there that he had changed the rules on my end forever but he didn’t know it. I ended makeup sex forever that night. If you could not treat me right before I hopped into bed to sleep, then I was going to sleep. I did not allow him to call me any number of names he used during the day ranging from bitch to fat pig and then crawl into bed and make it better. He truly believed in his narcissistic mind that when in bed, it should be the one place to let the day go. (he actually said it) He believed that wholeheartedly so when I put my foot down, he started to tell me I was controlling sex and I was frigid. He never wanted to take responsibility for his actions beforehand. I even had him say to me that he has purposely been good for the past two days…ummmm…you don’t think I know that the only reason you are treating me like a human being right now is because you want to be close to me? Somewhere in his head I truly went from educated paralegal to dumb bunny housewife and mother.
As our relationship continued and I started to drift away from him, he would hold me so close to him at night that I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t sleep. He had his arms that tight around me. He kept saying I just want to be as close to you as I can. But the insults kept coming during the day and the snide remarks about not having sex with him. The anger at nothing at all because he had to keep himself in check at work. I would say to him, “I am not your whore.” “No you are my wife, it is your duty.” I laughed. “Your duty as my husband is to treat me as God intended. You don’t treat me as God intended. I am not a partner. You do not protect me.” Once I took away the makeup sex, we crumbled even more because I took away the one closeness that kept him from feeling the deep-seated hurt placed there by his childhood. I realized more and more that when we did have sex, he had no issues being as nasty as he wanted the next day which in turn made my heart hurt and I didn’t like that feeling. I felt raped, taken advantage of, even though I had participated willingly and when he started things and would stop abruptly in the middle because I wasn’t responding exactly the way he thought I should, well, I knew it was a matter of time before we split. I just had to keep him hooked long enough to know my children were going to be okay alone with him.
By the time he walked out of the door, I had worked through my marriage. I knew I wanted it to end. I was ready to be me again. I knew who I was. Even though he left me feeling imbalanced, undesirable and unloved, I still knew who I was. I knew I was a passionate, giving , loving person. I knew I was desirable even though he made me feel undesirable. I knew all these things and I was ready to wait for the right person to come along to share myself with because I have never been a girl that needed to prove herself through sex or need sex to prove my worth to the opposite sex. That’s why it was so easy to shut that part of me down while I worked to protect my kids.
His entire life with me from day one was ruled by a pathological relationship agenda and my pain and suffering were his rewards for a job well done on his end.
Empower yourself by educating yourself and understand what you are dealing with. Remove yourself from the manipulated reality created by the narcissist and begin to build the wonderful life that you deserve.