MY ANTHEM

Anyone who has been in an abusive relationship reaches a point where you just go gung-ho into getting back to who you are.  You have nothing to lose because you “can’t take nothing away from nothing.”  Which are the exact words I said to my now ex.  Go ahead.  You can’t take nothing away from nothing.  Every time I hear this song it reminds me of my fight out of my abusive relationship.

You shout it out
But I can’t hear a word you say
I’m talking loud not saying much
I’m criticized but all your bullets ricochet
You shoot me down, but I get up

[Chorus:]
I’m bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium

[Sia:]
Cut me down
But it’s you who have further to fall
Ghost town haunted love
Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones
I’m talking loud not saying much

[Chorus:]I’m bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium

It’s the anthem before you leave.  You reach a point where you just say to yourself, they can’t possibly hurt me any more than they already have.  They are firing away at you and you keep walking towards them, dodging their bullets,  knowing that things have to change or you’ll be smothered right out of your life.  They are choking the life out of you.  You can’t do anything right.  They don’t like your friends or family and those that they do have contact with they are manipulating to their side of the fence.  You’re drowning. Sometimes you are begging for help from those around you, reaching your hand above the water, hoping someone will grab your hand and pull your head above water but instead they stare at you like a deer in the headlights.  In my case, I had a family member get upset with me because I finally stood up for myself and she put me back into the hands of my abuser once he was gone by telling him lies.  Child Protective Services was called by my ex and of course, they didn’t find anything wrong but I had to face the questions and the humiliation of being called a questionable mother.  Later, family members would tell me I should forgive and forget.  No.  You shoot me down, but I get up.  I am titanium but I don’t have to forgive or forget them putting me in danger and attacking the one thing he could never take away from me…  The fact that I am a good mother.  I let it rock me to the core for about 3 days (fire away, fire away..I am titanium) and he did fall further.  He lost the respect of his kids.  His kids rarely see him at his house.  They have learned to set boundaries because they don’t trust him.

To this day I am bullet proof with nothing to lose when it comes to dealing with him.  Because I’m no longer afraid to tell him he doesn’t know everything.  His way is not always the right way.  He cannot control my outcome anymore or hold me back from my dreams.  I don’t care if I disgust him or if he still feels he is missing his right arm because he doesn’t have me.  There is not one thing he has to say or one thing that he does that has any impact on me whatsoever.  I remain as unaffected as possible by his games. His illness.  Sometimes, I still get upset when it comes to being fair to the boys or not paying me what I am owed but then I just handle it.  I readjust my outcome by taking care of what I have to anyway I have to.  You shoot me down, but I get up.  I am titanium.  I always, always get back up!

“Titanium” as written by Sia Furler, Nick L Wall Van De, Giorgio Tuinfort and David Guetta….

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