There are so many different blog styles but I think we can all agree most blogs are written with the idea of helping or informing others.

When I think about the life I lived in abuse, I think about all I did to deal with the emotional pain and to protect others from the pain inflicted as well.

Not all of my ways of dealing were healthy.  I never ignored the pain but I did cover it up with shopping and hoarding.  The one thing I could control about my situation was to give up and not try to make the house perfect any more.  It was usually clean but it was very cluttered. I lived surrounded by material for sewing and quilting and yarn and books, magazines and mementoes that “protected” me.  They kept the person inflicting the pain at a distance.  Eventually it caused that person to spend more time away from the house because my protective wall caused them to feel chaos when they walked in the door.  That was ok with me because it meant less time hearing what was wrong with me and less time walking on egg shells.

We weren’t knee-deep in stuff but I did suffer from anxiety and as a result hoarded.  It did not interfere with my daily life but I hated it as much as I needed it.  I had an anxiety about throwing certain things away due to a childhood fire that destroyed our home that was later exacerbated by the financial abuse I endured.

I was acutely aware of my need to control my environment and the anxiety of getting rid of things but I couldn’t get myself over the hump to a place of calm in decluttering and purging.

It wasn’t until the narcissist had left that my life began to slowly fall into place and I began to heal.  I started to purge and when I reached a point where I was uncomfortable, which usually came hand in hand with contact with the narcissist in some form, I would stop.  Slowly I paved my way and in 3 years I have downsized by half and want to downsize another half to settle comfortably into my new life.

It’s been a growing process for me.  I’ve had a great support system and I’ve learned to let things go.  It very rarely causes me anxiety now to let things go. I no longer fear going without because I am in charge of myself and my finances.  I can get overwhelmed and feel inadequate still at times but I am not anxiety ridden to tears.  I now take a step back and self-talk or call one of my supports in place.  By the New Year, I’m confident my life will be organized in the way I had always attained it to be and I will be living more comfortably than I have in many, many years.

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