A narcissist loves to be a character assassin. They can spin their story so you look like a delusional, crazy person. They have an underground way of going about their abuse of you and no one but you and maybe a few close friends are none the wiser. Even those friends who have a clue, really don’t have a clue. They just know something is off.
Narcissists are obsessed with control. When a partner does not respond the way they want them to or doesn’t answer them right away, they become obsessed with getting themselves heard and their needs met. Remember, a narcissist is always trying to ward off their feelings of emptiness. Also remember that no one can fill that void. I spent many years trying. It wasn’t for me to fill, as much as he wanted me to.
When you are trying to do what is healthy for you mentally and physically, they become obsessed with sabotaging your attempts. If it is physical, they will eat forbidden things in front of you and offer to take out to dinner. If it is mental, they will do all they can to make themselves as close to normal so that you think you have made headway with them. , If that doesn’t work in gaining control, they will start to bring others into your relationship. They will build their army around them and they will very dramatically make up things like suspicion of drug use, or gambling or cheating or whatever they tell others they suspect that you are doing. It’s all in an effort to throw you off and gain control.
People who are narcissistic confuse the intensity they feel with intimacy. They do not know how to have healthy, loving, intimate relationships. They will use the children to control you because they are also incapable of the same healthy, loving relationship with their children. They are so obsessed with controlling you still, that bringing the children into the conflict they are causing, is nothing to them. They do it easily to gain what they need.
Choosing to walk away from the narcissist and his obsessive behavior doesn’t mean he wins, it means you won and are choosing your battles with the narcissist. Remember a narcissist lives on the continuous conflict they crave, which means as long as you have to have contact with him because of the children, he will obsess about having all the control and there will plenty of times to fight because you cannot co-parent with a narcissist. Pick and choose your battles. You left for really good reasons. Save the fighting with them for something important and let some of those important but “I can adjust myself” things go. The narcissist really isn’t worth your time and you’ll just get caught up in a power struggle of obsession and control.
You actually take their power away by disarming them when you walk away from the conflict they crave.
I always say to myself, “Not my monkeys, not my circus.” and then I walk away and think to myself Trinity out. Boom!