A narcissist is an expert at confusing you and you will feel nothing but confusion when you deal with a narcissist and money.
If a narcissist owes you money, you will probably never see it without a fight. Even having a little bit of money gives the narcissist a sense of power and domination. If you are related and provide a service for which you should be paid, albeit a lower fee, you will have to stand there with your hand out repeating to them what you want as they will pretend they have no idea of what you could possibly want.
Their control over the money and the confusion starts small with no warning. They remove your name from the joint account and stop depositing money.
They will chastise you for how much you spend on groceries but will flaunt their money when trying to impress someone. For example, maybe you couldn’t get a pair of underwear bought for you but without asking , they pay a friend’s RGE bill. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? It happened.
They destroy your personal property when enraged or to gain control. Having no regard for whether it was new or an antique handed down from your great grandfather. No care for the value monetarily or sentimentally.
Sometimes it is telling you they have everything taken care of. You are in good hands. There is no need for you to have a 100% matched 401K or they won’t put your name on the deed to the house and then insist whenever they are angry that it is their house, they pay all the bills. Doesn’t matter if it was a joint decision and they begged you to give up your career and stay home.
Sometimes they force you to hand over your paycheck but when you refuse it becomes the biggest struggle in your marriage because even though you are spending that money on the extra groceries and the kids, they have no control over it. “We should be eating steak with all I give you and with what you make!” I can tell you, that not many kids whose parents have split are eating steak at the Narcissist’s house as the Narcissist thought they should be because now the reality of shopping lies with them. Infact, there is a good chance their food is portion controlled.
Narcissists believe that they should not have to pay for anything not directly benefitting them. Maybe they offer you $10,000 for a down payment on a house because it will help them if you buy the marital home. Should you decide not to buy the marital home and should they owe you more than $10,000, they will not give you that money even when court ordered. Remember, narcissists like the power court gives them. They will wait for you to file a Contempt of Court.
When going school shopping another tactic is to want to know how much you need. Literally, people have to shop before they give the narcissist a number because they will get no more and no less than what they say. There is always extra work involved with a narcissist as they enjoy nothing more than making you jump through hoops before standing there with your hand out for basic necessities.
May I get my hair cut Sir? Can I sign the kids up for bowling? All these simple questions may be met with a hand on the chin, thinking…..thinking…..thinking…now you are wondering if they heard you…….I’ll have to take a look at the finances and get back to you. I solved that game of standing there like a child with my hand out. I kept the money I made and then I didn’t have to beg for my kids or me. I asked what little permission I had to because it was demeaning to me and many times before I had been told I only wanted his money and always needed something. I never asked for anything out of the ordinary. Ever. Everything I asked for was for the kids or when I wanted to finish school, which I was denied. Even when I tried to go back when we were separated, I was not allowed to and was made to quit because it is a marital debt and I can’t take courses without permission. There is that word again. Permission. I was made to quit pursuing my teaching degree.
People wonder why you don’t leave. It is so simple…just leave! No, it’s not. Even after you go they try to control and they withhold things from you. At least when you’re in it, you are there for your children and you can keep somewhat of an eye on the finances.
You go into the relationship for love and you come out realizing you were never loved. The narcissist punishes you even more than he or she did when married. They will watch a dog wrap you up in a chain, knock you down on the ground with force and not once step out of the car to see if you are okay. They will wait and watch. Hoping you are hurt and when your child comes and helps you, they will look at your with disgust for being clumsy. They will offer the children food, knowing you have not eaten and won’t give a crap that you have not. You will be thankful your kids are taken care of. They won’t pay you $35 for their share of a yearbook but will rent a house for 5 days on the lake and a boat and you will be thankful your kids were invited. But if you stop. Really stop and think, you will realize that not much has changed. It may be amped up because he can’t control you every day but it’s still the same treatment you received before and when I personally realized that I thought, you can’t take nothing away from nothing. You never did give me anything…why would it change now?
That is the place you need to get to. Move away from all the confusion and games and understand until you do, the Narcissist is still just playing your strings to the melody he likes. You need to change your tune and be happy. You cannot control what he tries to do but you can keep your side of the street clean.