The biggest mistake you will make in your life is giving any bit of your life away to a narcissist. Not only can you NOT be vulnerable or make mistakes around them but they are absolutely positive they do not make any mistakes in life at all.
Do not accept the narcissist’s view of history. I know that is is hard to accept that the person you loved has been lying to you all along, but they have. It is time to let go of that and move on. Don’t dwell in the could haves and should haves. Cut your losses and get out.
Don’t ever trust their wanting to get along. They only extend the olive branch to manipulate you. They couldn’t even treat you right in marriage or during your relationship…ask yourself…why now? Only one reason. Side step it an move on.
You will quickly learn that a narcissist will lie to everyone including a court. They will twist the truth, tell people things that never came out of your mouth. Put everything you can in writing. No verbal contact if you can help it. It holds accountable. Not only when they treat you poorly, because now it’s in writing, but for agreements and such.
The legal system in broken. Emotional abuse largely doesn’t exist in a courtroom and the truth doesn’t matter much, either. Domestic abuse, unless it’s physical with police reports are hearsay and unless he calls you a C*NT in court or tells you he hates you in front of a judge or that you are ugly and worthless in front of a police officer, it’s not going to matter much. It’s the narcissist covert way of abusing you and getting away with it.
Do not make the mistake of thinking that the abuse will end with your marriage/relationship. The papers will be signed long before you have healed and the narcissist, if you have children, will continue to try and control you. I made some major decisions during this time that I should not have made because I did not have the capacity to think clearly or protect myself.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can co-parent with a narcissist. The best thing you can do for your kids is to set clear boundaries and to make your children feel supported, heard, loved, and validated when they are with you. Just accept your reality. I always told the kids, “it’s okay to love your Dad and not like his behaviour. I know it’s confusing but it is what it is.”
Understanding that narcissists are fragile and incapable of taking responsibility for any wrong doing will help you understand in your next relationship that making mistakes is a normal part of living and you no longer have to have that gut wrenching feeling when you have made one and are afraid to face the narcissist. Be it a small mistake like forgetting to put dinner in the oven on time or a bigger mistake like not paying the phone bill that month. Mistakes were not allowed. Don’t take that quest for perfection into your next relationship for fear of failure. If you end up with the right person, you both will make plenty of mistakes and own them and move on. It’s actually a very freeing feeling!
Kind of apropos that we’re not allowed to make mistakes with a narcissist and yet they turn out to be our biggest one, don’t you think?