I had a lot of demons to go through. Some deep seated from childhood, some brought on by myself and some created for me by the narcissist.
I had to deal with the loss of everything as the result of a fire in third grade. Something that took me a long time to even realise was a problem. I’m talking years. I did not understand the ache when someone would try to throw something of mine away or even when they wanted to use it. It was a panic feeling of what if I don’t see it again? What if I need it? It wasn’t until years later when I met who would become my best friend, that I realised the loss endured during the fire had a huge impact on me. She had also had a fire in her house and was left with only the clothes on her back and in her car. This was something she had already worked through and recognised it in me immediately. I was in third grade. She was out of school. It may have been the difference in how we processed the feelings that go with that kind of loss and the fear that comes with it.
Enter the relationship with who would become my husband (the unknown narcissist at this point) and our ages and his lack of understanding of my need to keep certain things. Things he so easily just tossed aside. Treasures and trinkets as if they were nothing. They were mine! They were everything! I didn’t understand his blase` attitude and he did not understand my intensity over such things and at times tears. Him throwing away things, especially mine, caused me extreme anxiety and pain. I felt alone and scared and controlled. It was one of the single most painful things I had to endure with him. In all fairness, he could not have possibly understood my pain and as hard as I tried to let him in, he really did not want to hear it. To him it was irrational. Had I gone through this process with someone who was not a narcissist, it may have had a whole different outcome. I may have healed faster. I may still be married and be celebrating with that person all I had overcome. I needed empathy and understanding. I was never going to get it from what I now know to be a narcissistic husband.
So, where am I now? I am freely letting go of things and it no longer causes me pain. I started with him. I let go of him knowing I could never make him happy. It sucks to know that no matter what you do, you cannot make someone happy. I let go of friends who I may love but were starting to feel unsafe and causing me pain with their judgment or response to how my process of divorcing and letting go was going. I needed to do this MY way, not on the tails of someone else’s advice of what was better for me.
This weekend, I have successfully completed a 6-month push to get out of the home I was in 20 years. I dismantled that house and what was in it and the barn diligently. I had the help of a friend who made me touch everything. When we first started I had extreme anxiety over letting go or giving something away. This was a process neither my kids or ex or almost anyone understood, but she did and I did it my way and what emerged was a new me. Like a butterfly with wet wings, just breaking free from a cocoon of abuse, and being buried under things, I am newly born and ready to spread my wings and fly.
I’m ready for step 2. Finally organizing and settling my new house and purging, even more things, as I settle in and decide what goes and what stays. As the old house sells, I am even purging him. Keeping contact to the bare bones. For the sake of the children I am not completely giving up contact. This weekend I am truly free. I already know I have a fight ahead of me for the blog and the equity in the house but with this new found freedom and having overcome so much, I am ready for it.
Wish me luck! My new life begins today.