Darkest before the dawn

Is it always the darkest before the dawn?  In my world, it has been.  As I move towards my goal of freedom from the narcissist, I realize that you have to have hope even in the darkest of circumstances.  I wouldn’t make it through any of this if I didn’t have hope.  Hope of a happy ending with a life partner.  Hope that I move on past the abuse.  Hope that I can help my children move on from the abuse and help them develop into kind, respectful, loving men.

Remember, life ebbs and flows.  It is yin and yang.  Cleaning out a house that I lived in for 20 years with basically very little to no help from my ex or my children on this Labor Day weekend, while they enjoy themselves causes me resentment.  It has been a  long process between 2 to 3 jobs and the children and trying to move and clean out since February.  I wanted to leave the house in the best shape possible for the new owners.  I wanted to process all the things we had owned.  Let them go.  Have my memories.  I didn’t just want to walk out the door and never look back the way my ex-husband had and my children had.  It sucked.  It sucked to  hear people say they loved the property.  It sucked to hear that the house was beautiful. It sucked that they loved the barn and couldn’t believe I was giving it up.  I didn’t really want too.  I was pushed out.  I wanted to be there but it was too much for a single mom.  So, in my darkest hour, I found hope in the little boy named Julian who will have my son’s room with the large train I painted on the wall.  Hope in a family just forming and a wedding to take place in the barn.  Hope that their new beginnings in the house that held so many dreams for me that never came to fruition would be realized by them.  I persevered on the hope of the house having the joy and happiness it was always meant to have and that I craved for so many years.

So, yes I believe it is always darkest before the dawn but with dawn comes new hope and I am one small step away from freedom.

I left that little boy a note with a few gifts.  A small chair for the porch, a pair of binoculars for watching wildlife, a tractor because all boys with a farm need a Holland Tractor to push, a monster truck for pushing over hills and valleys, a duck named Quackers who is crazy but great company and the hope that he loves it as much as my children did…I can see the dawn, just over the horizon, the soft glow of the sun just coming up to warm the earth.  It is just out of reach.  But soon, even on the rainiest of days, I will have the sun.

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