I craved peace and normalcy. I would get a glimpse of it that were far and few between. Those days when we hit that place as a family were the happiest times for me. I would go to bed smiling, hopeful. The kids were happy too. Unfortunately, we were all aware it would end. We just didn’t know when and it would always be in the back of our minds haunting us. We were all riddled with anxiety. My children were deeply affected by this crazy ride of life with a narcissist.
When you live with a narcissist such behavior not only causes a broken heart to those targeted and confusion but a broken sense of self. You live explaining yourself, hated, punished, invisible, silenced, punished. When all you are really seeking is love, peace and happiness. A partnership where you feel safe and appreciated.
Lying to the Narcissist becomes second nature. Which in and of itself causes anxiety, especially if you are an open and honest person but you learn with this person in your life that you cannot be honest. You cannot be you because the repercussions will last for years. It could be simple things. I still find myself, when my friend asks, “What are you doing?”, feeling trapped and scared. It takes me a few seconds now to realize that I can tell him. “I’m sitting reading. I just got done cleaning the kitchen” Because with the narcissist, you were not going to win. He wanted you busy all the time while he was at work even though, he ran his own business and had plenty of down time and time to chat with others. I am now met with a normal response which is, “That’s great. You need a break. Did you come right home and do the kitchen? ” “yes.” “Okay Hazel, (he calls me that because of the old t.v. show with the maid) why don’t you just relax the rest of the night?” Here is a man who has OCD and loves a clean house but recognizes how hard I work between 2 jobs, 2 kids and trying to write. As much as he is set in his ways, he is also thoughtful enough to say, “rest for the night. You are only one person. It will wait.”
You quickly realize that people who are normal, try to find the good in people and want what is best for them. Normal people do not want your heart to break and to watch you squirm as they knife your head with their words in an attempt to control and hurt you. I am a strong woman. Only when he broke me like a cowboy breaks a wild horse was he happy. He would look over me. Sometimes holding me now that I was broken or sometimes scolding me for crying.
You can’t keep a positive person down for long. We bounce back like superballs. Gaining height with every bounce and eventually the bounces get smaller and smaller but we keep on bouncing. We are a narcissist’s poison. They love us and hate us equally because we represent all they like and want but we also represent all they cannot achieve in their life. We can have bonds with others and are close to our families. We have friends not just business acquaintances. People seek us happy people out. We are their nemesis. That is why they work so hard to destroy us.
The narcissist will never apologize for the destruction. They will just continue to try and create more for you, even after you have ended the relationship. Once you realize this, your job is to heal and be happy and create your own peace. Put as much distance between you and this person as possible.
I found happy, normal and I found peace. My life is not perfect but it is more perfect than it has ever been because I am responsible for me. I no longer have to lie which goes against my nature completely. I am once again and open, honest person with nothing to hide. I am living my life not explaining anything to anyone. I have had normal and I have known acceptance and love now and I wouldn’t go back for all the money in the world. I’d rather be poor and happy than rich and stuck with a narcissist.
Go. Find your peace. It’s waiting for you.