There will come a point in your life where once you are away from the narcissist, they will continue to try to use others to abuse you and blindside you when they can’t get a rise out of you. For the longest time, when I thought I was free, the narcissist would use our children, or his siblings or our children to do this to me and it always caught me off guard. At first, I gave him what he wanted. Contact, anger, hurt. He ate it up. He knew he had gotten to me. He would sit there smug and often say, “This is what you wanted. You wanted to be divorced. You wanted to be away from me.” He was punishing me and happy to see me sacked like his least favorite quarterback. So, I started to talk to others before I would react to him and then when I got sick of bothering others, I just started to pretend it didn’t bother me and I would choke it down. Choke down the fact that I had to change plans, or he brought our kids in on something or twisted things around to make them not even recognizable to me, even though I had said them. When he did that, I would not allow myself to go there. I spent the energy at the gym or walking or cleaning. Not on how he had done me wrong.
Two days ago, I was faced with the same type of issue. I decided not to be upset and sent my blessings instead and rearranged my surprise plans for my son’s birthday. Him, knowing full well that it was a surprise, told our son that I did not respond properly and that I cancelled his surprise and proceeded to tell him what it was. He stonewalled me. My son was upset over a non-truth and I again was in a no win situation only this time, he put me in a no-win situation with my son. Narcissists can play that game like no other. If they want to abuse you, they will use whomever they can and the other person is none the wiser. But here is the thing, I just let my kid vent. I wasn’t happy he had been lied to but it wasn’t my job to change his mind either. He knows in his heart what took place, he was angry and needed to vent to the safe person in his life. It didn’t effect me. Him knowing my surprise doesn’t affect the outcome instead, it creates anticipation for my son.
I have pretended my way into a better place that now feels normal for me. I am no longer reactionary. I faked it until I made it. It’s a much healthier place. His actions roll right off me now.
What I find myself dealing with now is wanting validation that people know how hard it is to always be the bigger person. I’m working on not needing that validation. I find myself wanting the people in my life to at least say, “it sucks. I’m sorry you had to change this or that and I know you always take the high road but you are doing the right thing for your kids.” For whatever reason, I need that understanding right now. I guess it’s time to stop pretending I need that and giving it to myself instead. One more boulder to climb over as I make my way down my life’s path. I can do it. So can you. One step at a time. Day by day. It helps me to think about the fact that I am not dealing with a normal, mentally sound person. They need that intensity and control and games to live. Just remember, you do not and neither do I.