One of the things I don’t miss is the fact that I used to have to really hide when I didn’t feel well. I would either be told, “You are always sick.” which wasn’t true or I would be completely ignored. I couldn’t ask for tea or a glass of water because it was seen as weakness.
Today I have a cold. I’m uncomfortable. Definitely, not myself and my head is splitting in two. But, I don’t have to hide that I feel like crap and if I ask one of my children to get me water while they are up, I am not looked at with piercing eyes and met with negative comments.
When I was pregnant, and in my 8th month, I was bordering on toxemia. We were working at our rental and getting ready to move. I didn’t feel good. I had worked for 6 hours already and needed to eat. He asked me to clean the bathtub and I remember saying to him, I am not sure I can get down there and back up and lean over and do that. You can do it! You have to do it! You can’t quit on me and leave this all to me. (I had cleaned our apartments by myself so many times!) I think I finally ate at 10 p.m. 4 hours after I said I was hungry and not feeling well. I was sick and tired and worn out and when I went to the doctor the next day, I was put on complete bedrest. It was always my parents or my brother or my friends that took care of the kids the few times I could not get out of bed to do it.
It was always my parents or my brother or my friends that took care of the kids the few times I could not get out of bed to do it. He wouldn’t even check in on me before leaving for his 12 hour day. It was always someone else who gave me the rest and care I needed. He wouldn’t call to see how I was feeling. When I had throat surgery, he didn’t even come to the hospital to see me, his Mom did and my Dad picked me up. My mom watched our son so that his life didn’t need to be inconvenienced by my being sick or needing surgery. Even the night I had our first child, he left the hospital to go play a gig and left me there puking from the anesthesia. “I figure the nurses are here and you will sleep.” Oh, okay. Had I been asked, I probably would’ve told him to go but his selfishness was apparent from the beginning. I thought it was immaturity. No. He hasn’t changed.
So, even when I feel like crap like today, I’m still 100% better than I was a few years ago because I am taking care of myself not because my life partner is ignoring me but because I have to and that feels a whole lot better than not being loved and cared for.