BEING SICK

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One of the things I don’t miss is the fact that I used to have to really hide when I didn’t feel well.  I would either be told, “You are always sick.”  which wasn’t true or I would be completely ignored.  I couldn’t ask for tea or a glass of water because it was seen as weakness.

Today I have a cold.  I’m uncomfortable.  Definitely, not myself and my head is splitting in two.  But, I don’t have to hide that I feel like crap and if I ask one of my children to get me water while they are up, I am not looked at with piercing eyes and met with negative comments.

When I was pregnant, and in my 8th month, I was bordering on toxemia.  We were working at our rental and getting ready to move.  I didn’t feel good.  I had worked for 6 hours already and needed to eat.  He asked me to clean the bathtub and I remember saying to him, I am not sure I can get down there and back up and lean over and do that.  You can do it!  You have to do it!  You can’t quit on me and leave this all to me.  (I had cleaned our apartments by myself so many times!)  I think I finally ate at 10 p.m. 4 hours after I said I was hungry and not feeling well.   I was sick and tired and worn out and when I went to the doctor the next day, I was put on complete bedrest.  It was always my parents or my brother or my friends that took care of the kids the few times I could not get out of bed to do it.

It was always my parents or my brother or my friends that took care of the kids the few times I could not get out of bed to do it.  He wouldn’t even check in on me before leaving for his 12 hour day.  It was always someone else who gave me the rest and care I needed.  He wouldn’t call to see how I was feeling.  When I had throat surgery, he didn’t even come to the hospital to see me, his Mom did and my Dad picked me up.  My mom watched our son so that his life didn’t need to be inconvenienced by my being sick or needing surgery.  Even the night I had our first child, he left the hospital to go play a gig and left me there puking from the anesthesia.  “I figure the nurses are here and you will sleep.”  Oh, okay.  Had I been asked, I probably would’ve told him to go but his selfishness was apparent from the beginning.  I thought it was immaturity.  No.  He hasn’t changed.

So, even when I feel like crap like today, I’m still 100% better than I was a few years ago because I am taking care of myself not because my life partner is ignoring me but because I have to and that feels a whole lot better than not being loved and cared for.

8 thoughts on “BEING SICK

  1. I love your blog so far because you tell your stories. You tell the truth plain and simple, much like my blog. I tell it like it is, no holds bard. I tell about my reality as it is and I dont sugar coat or give advice or suggestions about how others to handle thier narcissists because if I havent been successful how can they be besides Narcissits cant be cured and wonce the emotional abuse is embedded in us, its hard to fix.

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    1. I refused to let him break me. I’ve worked very hard to move on and have had a very successful relationship since moving on. I am open and honest so that the other person knows that I am feeling unsafe today because of what he is doing with the kids, so my response has nothing to do with you. I can’t cure the Narcissist but I can cure myself and move on to be happy and healthy and loved and I have. I still have my days. But everyone has days. Start that work now and move on with your life.

      My opinion, I’m not a counselor.

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      1. I understand. Thank you. May I ask you a question? Do you believe that not every outcome is the same or as easily transitional as another’s is?

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      2. If I understand your question, all outcomes are going to be a little different because you are dealing with the human nature of people and relationships but from what I have learned for myself and through others is that once you take control of your life back, they all fight harder, and if you stick to your guns, you get stronger and they fight harder, and then the love bomb but here is the thing, you now, for the first time understand fully what you are up against, and you no longer want that in your life so the decisions become based upon you. Not fear of them, or losing them or not being able to live because you understand that you are just a prisoner if you stay and you want to find the resources no matter how hard it is to be your own person. There were days I could not feed my children. I found the resources. It wasn’t perfect, but I did it and I am still learning and growing and getting my budget right after 4 years but we are doing better and better, little by little. The Narcissist will make the transition as hard as they can on you. It’s your job to show them they can’t hold you under their thumb any more. Mine sued me over my blog. I won without even showing up in court with an attorney. I didn’t respond to the Order sent by his attorney, I sent a letter to the judge and let the chips fall where they may and they fell right in front of my feet! I didn’t worry. I didn’t fret. He could no longer control me like a puppet. It is so freeing and the financial stress is nothing compared to the stress that he put on me and my boys every day. I moved near a bus line even though I have a car just in case, I needed it to get to work. There are agencies that will help you. Research them and go. Line your ducks in a row and do everything you can to make your transition as easy as it can be.

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      3. My biggest mistake was coming back. I’d left. Became strong. And naively came back. All the reason’s I can think of for doing so, make no sense at all now. I’m weak once again. This time using the “resources” you talked about, even they can’t promise anything that has worked for me, so far. We are all different. Have different outcomes is what I’m saying. The more I read about other wives having made it out eventually, it only depresses me even more because for some strange karmic reason , I’can’t and it’s not fair. If only you know what I’ve been through since I’ve been back with him. I’ve tried everything. Section 8, Transitional Housing, Legal Aid, womens about counseling and etc. I’ve been under qualified by all. And please don’t suggest friends and family because I have neither. I’m sorry to whine, but I feel pint in a corner with no way out. Every blog I seek with women like myself, they’ve all survived and moved on and out but like I mentioned not all of us are as successful.

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      4. I was in your position, of no help for a long time, I just kept at it. I gave up and I would try again. I had no family help. Did it on my own. They are writing because they have survivied and made it through. Their journey may have been as difficult as yours. Mine took years.

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  2. Yep. OMG! You are spot on with what I’ve gone through. You don’t want to show weakness to a narcissist or at least my husband I don’t. Everything I ask for is considered an inconvenience to him. Even asking him to “come here and feel my head for a temperature” he’d huff and puff about it.

    Nowadays I’m afraid to ask him for anything. I mean anything at all. If I had a broken leg I still wouldn’t ask for help. One day I fell and bashed my head on the bathroom floor while he was out of town and for dumb reason he was the first person I called. What did he do when he answered the phone? He yelled, “WHAT!” I said nevermind and hung up.

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