Flattery will get you everywhere. You would think a term like that would pertain to a narcissist and maybe for some it does, but for mine, he hated it. He was not someone to flatter someone else nor would he accept any form of flattery. They offer any form of approval so little, that when it is offered, it feels really special. It lulls you into thinking that you have finally gotten through. There is that person underneath there that you always knew was there. It’s called love bombing. As for them, their self-esteem is so low that even a compliment like ” you look great in those jeans” is met with a scowl or “stop.”
Love is one thing humans need and want. A narcissist knows this because they more than anyone, seek out a love that they will never be happy with, even if they find it. And that has to do with loving themselves but that is a whole other blog. Narcissists love bomb to get you into total submission so that they can have their narcissistic needs met. A narcissist is needy beyond any comprehension. You won’t fully get this until all of a sudden your soul mate, the man who told you that you are the only women to get him and understand him starts to remove that love because he wants you to feel the loneliness he feels and the emptiness that can’t be filled and has nothing to do with you. You won’t understand until the rug has been pulled out from under you and you are left there sprawled on the floor, shaking off the pain in your head and ache in your heart, wondering what went wrong. You will search for answers, you will chase him and ask him over and over “what did I do? I don’t understand.” When that starts to happen, he knows he has you hooked. He has control over you because he has you confused and hurt. He will allow this to go on until you break and then he’ll let you cry alone and then swoop in and love bomb again to make you feel whole and loved. You will be thankful. Like a dog who receives a bone. In fact, I remember my cousin used to say to me all the time, “How can you be happy with the little bones he throws you now and then. You deserve more than that.” I couldn’t see it then, I see it now. As women, we are caregivers. I was known as a Mother Hen. He was perfect for me. I was convinced my love and maternal instincts could make him feel loved and wanted. I spent 19 years trying. I finally walked away knowing I had done everything I could. I wish I hadn’t tried for so long. It cost me a good portion of my life and left me broke (see my financial abuse blog) and without a career but it also opened doors for me to help others through a blog.
I try to start my day counting my blessings, not my hardships. I no longer allow myself to be bitter towards him. It’s a commonly known fact that most women are sent to poverty during a divorce and the man rises like a phoenix.
I want to make good out of this bad case scenario. My dream is to have my book published and to start a campaign that will help domestic abuse survivors with that retainer fee for an attorney or the security deposit for an apartment. These are the things people don’t think of. Some of the very basic needs cannot be met when you leave an abuser. I would like a place for women to go that has a system of checks and balances so that the money donated gets in the right hands and isn’t handed over to the abuser or to someone who will be going back to her abuser. I haven’t quite figured out the logistics but that is how I plan on making my life count. Through words in my writings and through small monetary donations. That kind of help that feels enormous beyond compare to those who have left their abusers. A $1200 security deposit seems obtainable to some but to a woman and her children, who left a financially abusive man, it isn’t doable. Even if she is working, he has controlled her money and she needs a place to live now. Her children need to feel safe so they can continue in school and rise above their circumstances. I want these children’s futures to count, not be a reflection of their abuser’s life.
You can stay on the ground and let him continue to kick you over and over, or you can reconcile your life within your mind and move forward. I have struggles. Monetary mostly and PTSD. I just make mine and my children’s basic needs with child support and two jobs. I’m dealing with the effect of my kids being abused and being bystanders. I have great male friends in my life who support me with my kids and are positive male role models in their lives. The boys respect what these men say and who they are. Bottom line, I’m dealing with it and not allowing the narcissist to control my future. My future includes being an author and setting up a foundation for domestic abuse survivors.
The bottom line is I’m dealing with it and not allowing the narcissist to control my future. My future includes being an author and setting up a foundation for domestic abuse survivors. I can only fail at that if I don’t follow through and try and I’ve already proved that I have a habit of trying way too hard and have unbelievable staying power. If I have that conviction with an abuser, imagine what I can accomplish for the good of someone else.
Live your passion. Let your life flatter you, not someone else but should someone else flatter you, always smile and say thank you. A lot of people mean what they say to you. Not everyone is a narcissist and why would you want to go around not trusting what others see in you? Live in joy, not in pain and skepticism.