There is not a speck of authenticity in a narcissist’s persona. They are based on the false truth they have created for themselves. They try to convince you that what they say is in good faith and that their intentions are sincere but they are counterfeits at best. It takes a while to actually recognize the bad “currency” but once you catch on, you can notice the phony narcissist a mile away.
Don’t expect an authentic account of any of your happenings with the narcissist. They will start drama and twist the plot of their script so that they can play the victim. They are chameleons that have absolutely no authenticity what-so-ever.
Everything they do is to stroke their ego and get their needs met. They can change themselves enough to hook another relationship but eventually the projection, abuse, playing the victim and devaluing that other person shows up and it is exactly the same as it was with you. They show and know absolutely no remorse.
I found out that people at his place of business were shocked that we split. He played the victim role so well, even to his family, because he always made us look happy. We lived a life of secrets. There were late arrivals home, he wouldn’t call, holidays were always a bust. He gave absolutely no assistance when it came to the housework, kids, school, concerts, baseball, boy scouts etc. but he proudly spoke of these things which gave the illusion of being involved.
When you realize the narcissist has no authenticity and it’s all a facade and you know it’s one sided, the narcissist amps up the love bombing and blame. My narcissist called my best friend and wrote a letter to my Dad and Step Mother all the while trashing me to his Dad, siblings, and our kids. He was building his allies. While I on the other hand, handled the break up on my own. I purposely pulled away from his brother’s wife who I am close to. I didn’t contact his family at all. The one and only time I did was when his Mom died. I texted his one sister just to say I’m sorry. I was met with anger and insults. “Why are you contacting me?” She wrote back. “Mom never liked you!” What I could have said back, which was the truth is, their parents always said I was more of their own daughter than their own kids were and they appreciated all the time I spent with them, which their own kids did not do. But I didn’t say it. Because while it was the truth, it wouldn’t have served me any purpose. And while that may have been how she felt, especially since her brother was filling her head, it wasn’t an authentic response and I knew that because she had always been one to consistently tell me to leave him. She told me a few times that her Dad never hugged her until I came along. That because of who I was, I made that a norm for her family. She also was one to consistently get mad for reasons unbeknownst to me or my ex. Something that was definitely learned at home.
The key to spotting someone who isn’t being authentic is to look at how they say something, not what they are saying. Don’t judge authenticity based solely on the person’s passion. You need to look at their character.
- Look to others for approval
- Are judgmental
- Are self-deceptive
- Their sense of humor is hostile
- They cannot express their emotions clearly
- They cannot or are not able to be open to learning from their mistakes
- They have a deceptive and defensive approach to life
No matter how committed or passionate, authenticity is about qualities that are nondefensive and healthy. If a person is not true to themselves, they are inauthentic. If you don’t know where you stand with them, they are inauthentic. Sound familiar?
Listen Be authentic. Stand tall, don’t treat people as if they are below you. Be in harmony with who you are. Don’t hide. Don’t put yourself in a pre-fabricated box. Be willing to reveal yourself, thoughts, biases, fears. Know when to be vulnerable. Learn from your mistakes. Maintain your dignity and integrity. Be comfortable in your own skin. Accept life for what it is and has been and move forward with joy because if you don’t, the narcissist wins. So, be fearless. Be authentic.