Tiny minds, big egos. Little self-esteem, a lot of expectations of others. Small thinking, huge communication problems.
It’s a small world but theirs is a big world when you are the one that has to revolve around it. Because after all, isn’t that what we do? Revolve around them? Their wants, their needs, their happiness until one day we decide we need to expand our horizons from their tiny cubicle of a life to our vast, wonderful life waiting for us!
For us as targets, it’s changing our outcome. We don’t need their approval or their acceptance to enjoy our life.
I was ready to let my light shine again! And he tried to snuff it out every chance he got.
Once he left:
- He didn’t pay the bills in my name even though I was a stay at home mom
- He took away one-half of the rental income that was feeding the kids, while he didn’t pay child support, from our rental property. It had always been mine to do what I needed to do as far as groceries, kids etc.
- He called Child Protective Services on me although no claims were substantiated.
- He took the boys somewhere I had always wanted to go as a family.
- He took the kids on vacations, I could never afford
- He brought them into the middle of our problems, derailing the boys emotionally
- When I found a house and wanted to move because he wanted the marital home, he stonewalled me by telling the boys he was going to let us stay but don’t tell mom
- He withheld money to gain power
- He is still financially abusing us
The list goes on and on and it can be stressful but nowhere near as stressful as living with him and walking on eggshells.
So my light continues to shine and the more I let God take control and accept I can’t change him or how he treats me or the boys, the brighter it shines.
Let go of your tiny thinking. (I can’t leave, I have no income, I have no place to go, I don’t deserve more) and start to think big, knowing it could take a few years. It took me 2 years to find a job after staying home for 16 years and giving up my paralegal career. 4 years to get out from under the marital home which he stuck me with, 3 years to hash out the divorce, I’m still working on getting him to let go and stop involving the children.
I started my journey to leave this man when I had to file my second restraining order. It has been a very long process. Years! But I did it! I kept at it. I kept my kids safe. I walked that tightrope. I endured more years of abuse to get myself out. I made myself a plan. I called agencies, spoke with attorneys and pastors. I lined my ducks up as best as I could and then I let him walk out during one of his “episodes” of dramatic proportions. I asked him not to come back. I let him talk to the boys but refused to talk to him. I waited. Let him make the moves and chose when to have contact and when not to. When I finally spoke to him, he asked me if my PMS was over yet. And I knew. When I asked him to date me so we could see if we could find our way back to each other and he said no, I knew. When he continued to control, manipulate, love bomb, gather his army, hide assets, etc… I knew. But the final straw, which for some would be a tiny thing was the biggest thing in the world to me. He took our sons to Howes Caverns. Some place I had been asking to go as a family for about 5 years. He succeeded with that move. I cried harder than I have ever cried. My then friend, who would later become my boyfriend, talked me down from the ledge. I knew right at that moment, I was done. At that moment, I moved on and from that day I have been getting brighter and brighter.
I decided to trust and love and communicate again. Something I am very good at but I had stifled my communication due to not being heard or continuously being misunderstood and having words put in my mouth. Do you know what happened? I was loved back. I was not misunderstood. I was told I was beautiful and desirable. The one fight we did have ended with HIM saying, “I don’t ever want to fight with you again and we came up with a plan to avoid misunderstanding and did just that. I finally knew normal. I had met someone who was proud of me and wanted my light to shine. He built me up instead of tearing me down. It was very freeing and healing to be treated as I deserved but it’s also important to stress that I worked on me and lived with me for over a year and then I made my decision to jump in and it was the best decision I’ve ever made.
It is time to let the narcissist go. You need to move on and let your light shine. It is not a tiny task. It is a huge undertaking but the rewards are priceless.