Sometimes I sit and wonder how the Narcissist feels about missing so much of his boys’ lives.
Case in point. Senior pics and being unwilling to pay his fair share is just a small portion of what has happened throughout their short lives. He’s counting on me to do “the right thing” and give in because I usually do because of the boys but this time, it won’t happen. I am setting boundaries and sticking to them. Our boys are old enough to understand, although they may not like it because of the position it puts them in, they understand why I am doing it. He may try to use the court system but it’s my contract so I doubt he can get very far with that and by now, he’s telling his story but not the truth. His version and how maniacal I am.
But it has been years of missed birthday parties he could have come to and watched our boys interact and make friends and be kids. Years of concerts that he did not attend and praise for our sons’ talent he did not hear. Bedtimes and stories and laughter within the house. He will tell you he had to work, but he didn’t. He had a choice to come home or not. He runs his own business. That business was his mistress and he stayed with her as long as he could on any given day and like most mistresses, it was at the expense of his family.
Last weekend I spent my whole Saturday doing set construction for my son’s play. They had another set construction this weekend that I decided not to go to because I had stuff at home that absolutely needed to be done plus I was on-call for work. At almost the end of the construction, the narcissist shows up yesterday for maybe 20 mins. Because it is such a surprise to my son that he even came, I was told how nice it was that Dad tried to show up and help. ” It wasn’t his fault he got there late.” I didn’t say a word because my son needs to believe his father’s intentions are pure but let’s be honest. This is about the narcissist. He is feeling left out right now. He has no control over whether he gets pics or not. Although, he really does, pay what you owe, but to him that would be “giving in” even though it’s not. So, he showed up, at the last minute, to show he tried. To paint a couple of brush strokes. To get his presence known for a few minutes. And that, in a nutshell, is what our life was like. He would throw us little snippets of time and we would greedily consume them because we were so hungry for him to be a part of the family and do things with us. We wanted him to hike with us and go to parties and Christmas at his brother’s house. We wanted that but he wouldn’t adjust his schedule. He felt we, his family and ours, should adjust our times to accommodate him.
My cousin Julie used to always say to me, “Can’t you see that you are just happy with the bone he throws you? You are not a dog. Can’t you see that this is not normal or acceptable?” For years, I understood what she was saying but couldn’t quite wrap my brain around it for myself because for me it was the norm. Now that I am out of it, it is so very clear. Now that I have had normal, it smacks me in the face. Julie had a lot of wisdom that I was unable to identify with for many years. If you have a Julie in your life, you might want to step back and listen because they are on the outside looking in. You are worth more than the snippets of time and attention that the narcissists decide to throw your way when they feel like it. Your kids, if you have them, are worth more than that too but you’re going to have to let them learn that on their own. And they do. They learn it and then go through the loss of mourning their image of their father and they learn how to set boundaries. Let them work through it. And give them time. Chances are, it took you a while to learn that you were worth more than what they were willing to give. They need that time as well.
**shout out to the attorney and the narcissist. Hope you enjoy my blog today!**