MENThe number of men who are experiencing domestic abuse and domestic abuse at the hands of a narcissist is unnerving.  More and more men are coming forward.  Men are trying to figure out if they are abused.  How it is affecting their children?  Sometimes these men are paraded around like a trophy for their position at work or their monetary value.  A lot of these are powerful men, in powerful positions, who come home to someone who gets pleasure out of devaluing who they are by constantly telling them what they do wrong,  They belittle these men in private and in front of friends.  Picking on them for everything from what they don’t do at home to their sexuality.

I had a relative who was in a relationship with someone a lot smaller than him but she would cut him to the core with her words and hit him and punch him and expect him to take it because she was a woman.  She was always putting him down in front of me and my parents.  It used to piss me off but he would just laugh even though I know at times it hurt.

The best thing a man can do is start to make a plan.  Leave, don’t retaliate.  It’s hard enough for a woman to get authorities to believe her.  It is harder for a man but it can be done.  Think about your children and how it looks to them.  If your wife is verbally abusive, they need you to kindly show strength and not put up with it. Even if it means it starts a fight with her.  Just walk away once you have stood up for yourself.  If she is hitting you, tell her it is unacceptable and walk away from her.  Let them see you stand up for yourself.  Just remember an abuser will amp things up to get what they need in a response, then they may become loving; this is called gaslighting.  They are trying to reel you in.  Just stick to your plan and moving on.  An abuser does not change.  The high they get from the control is more important than the relationship.

You also need to know that children of abusive parents are often displayed by the narcissist abuser and made to over-achieve.  They set up this perfect family in front of outsiders and sometimes the family is completely unaware of the parading of the family unit to the outside world.  The narcissist creates a superficial image.

Unfortunately, Narcissistic parents don’t have children because they want to nurture and guide their offspring through life; they have children so that they have an automatic, built-in relationship in which they have power, one in which the narcissist can write the rules without any checks and balances. Control over someone else is the ultimate prize for them.  The day the children are born they have expectations of where they will go to college and what they will do.  They plan and prepare and coax.

Children of controlling parents often develop coping mechanisms in the form of ticks or movements of some kind. My son, when his father was around, would lick his hands.  The day I removed his father, it ended. He hasn’t done it since.  I honestly at first thought he might have Tourette’s or mild autism but then I noticed it happened only when his Dad was home. The pressure to be what his father expected was too much.  That is how he dealt with the anxiety.

But remember, you cannot completely help your children until you help yourself. Only then can they see their father emerge as the strong, individual he is.  Competent, capable.  A breadwinner in most cases or maybe a great stay at home Dad who takes care of all the details at home.  Whatever your role, your boys need to see you stand up for yourself and your girls deserve to see you loved in a way that they should be loving their spouses in the future.  And all the children who are bystanders of any type of abuse deserve to see their parents happy and respected.

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