If I learned one single thing that I wish I had grasped sooner it is that life is too short to be in a relationship that isn’t working. If someone doesn’t fully value you and the relationship just isn’t right, then one should not be afraid of independence.
The last time mine walked out the door and hurt our kids again was the last time I let him back in. I was a stay at home mom with no income, I hadn’t worked in 16 years because of him owning his own business and not being able to help me at home or when the kids were sick. I was at his beckon call and at my children’s due to his business. I was living a nightmare because I was a single mom and lonely but married. I took the jump and it sucked. He continued to abuse me through the boys and through the courts, but I kept fighting my way back.
Good Lord! All the holidays I spent crying because he was miserable or was going to leave or something was wrong with me. All the times I did not get to spend with my parents or friends because of wanting to make him happy. I will never allow myself to be brainwashed like that again. I was constantly in panic mode for myself and my children. Never knowing when he would blow verbally or physically, and he was almost always emotionally and financially abusive daily.
7 years later and I have no regrets. Even though I am alone on the holidays, without my kids and with friends instead, I am happy. There is no walking on egg shells. I can be low key or upscale. It is up to me and there are no expectations to be met or anyone to disappoint. (I disappointed him once with a response to a gift that I did not understand. Turns out the girl printed the Gift certificate wrong and that is why I was confused but it was still my fault.)
I still struggle financially but my future is bright. Madly in love. Since my divorce I have been lucky enough to be loved by two very wonderful men who restored my faith. I’m still friends with the first one and thankful for his love and healing. The present man is the one. It’s still new but a girl knows these things. So, I start my new year loved, trusted and definitely not taken for granted. That is quite a long way away from the 28 years of abuse I endured.
This Christmas I am finally giving to myself permission to be loved and accepted for who I am. I am giving myself permission to have no contact with my abuser any more as now the kids are of legal age. I will only contact him if there is an emergency because it is the right thing to do.
And this New Year? 2018 is my year. I’m in love. I’m happy. And I’ve proved to myself through my abusive marriage and my abusive divorce that I am one hell of a survivor. I will still be discussing Narc behavior but I will also be focusing more on positivity and taking care of yourself. And if you ever need validation, leave a message, I will validate you because where trauma is concerned we should always validate first, investigate second and then educate.
Blessings and Merry Christmas.