Sexual desire without a loving connection can leave us empty. For many people, the desire for sexual union and ecstasy reflects a deeper desire for spirit and a sense being one with another. Sexuality with Spirituality allows us to have a deep sexual connection and entices us, hopefully, to open up our lives to our lover and become transparent with our partner. Becoming transparent means communication, vulnerability and trust. IT is not something that is easy to do coming off an abusive relationship. So, how do you get to that place most of us long to be? You let go. You realize not everyone is your ex abuser and you just decide you are going to trust again. Hard, I know but that is exactly what I decided to do.
So lets concentrate on sexuality and spirituality. Our attitudes about life, love, care and compassion are all connected to our feelings about sexuality. In some of our situations Sex has been paired with shame, control, domination, exploitation and evil. To heal ourselves sexually means changing our beliefs so that we associate sexuality with love, care, joy and commitment. To do this means embarking on a journey where we open our minds to re-think all we have been told by our abuser. When the new person in your life says you are beautiful, choose to believe it.
Sexuality grounded in love, and commitment and openness to growth can deepen and strengthen the connection between two people and intensify their sense of intimacy and oneness. When we open our inner world to our partner, we open our heart and are able to share our soul and fantasies and longings with that person. The heart may also put us in touch with our heart aches and the painful inner feelings and memories that have been buried. This is why new relationships can feel so bittersweet at times. You feel love, passion and connection but then the buried or avoided pain from the past comes to the surface and can result in the hurt, and scared parts tumbling out. It is at this time that we have to be brutally honest with our partner about how we are feeling. If he or she is the right person for you, they will see you through it. For me, it means just being hugged. I will face post traumatic stress straight-on and I can usually get through it fairly quickly and put it behind me once and for all. It’s difficult when we are sailing along thinking everything is perfect and then BAM! A memory hits you square between the eyes and no matter how hard you try it can wreck havoc on your present relationship. Don’t hide behind your pain. Don’t let it steal your joy with the lover you have now. If he or she is the right person, it will make you stronger and closer.
Sex in a relationship is like the moon. It is an energy force that waxes and wanes. It can be passionate and intense and full. It can be sweet and loving and any degree in between. That spark and honesty and passion that comes with respect and trust will keep your sexuality alive for years but if you lose that chemistry, you will become no more than roommates. Putting your mate first and keeping sex alive is an intrinsic part of the union.
I’m not saying that Sexuality alone can create a bond between two people. It can’t. Lasting sexual intimacy is about what we bring on the inside–our joy, passion, humor, and ability to care and accept another person–as well as the packaging on the outside. It’s loving that person for all their perfect imperfections. It’s about loving someone and trusting someone so much that all inhibitions are gone.
Sexuality is not always about orgasms. It is about the way we live in our bodies and experience the sensual pleasures of life. It is feeling connected when we are with our partner outside of the bedroom, seeing his smile, gazing at the moon together or smelling your favorite dinner cooking. Connecting to our sexual energy is also about feeling joy and passion that come from honest conversation, giving to others and being with that special someone. It feels natural and good. It’s about just needing his energy to be connected to yours to feel the bond.
A lot of us coming from abused relationships can relate to the abuser trying to use sex to create a bond that is no longer there. Don’t take that thinking into your new relationship. Not all men or women are trying to control the relationship and the outcome with sex. You cannot fix your relationship separate from your sexual relationship. They are connected and the reason people stop having sex in the first place is resentment, not being in love, etc. The reason they try to come back to it is to control what is inevitable in most cases and that is admitting the relationship is over.
Everything in our relationships is magnified in a healthy sexual relationship–sensitivity, trust, understanding, acceptance, playfulness, and the ability to be honest in a kind and caring way. For me, playfulness is extremely important. But all other things listed are just as important. If I learned one thing from my abusive relationship it was that I just want to be me. I’m happy to meet someone in the middle. I’m willing to be vulnerable with acceptance and honesty but I need to be free to be me.
Moving into a healthy, spiritual and sexual relationship means you need to take care of yourself, have your own path as well as a mutual path with your partner, do things you both enjoy doing together as well as things the other person likes, do not separate yourself from spirituality and love. Make love with your partner throughout the day. Making love isn’t just about sex. It’s touching him, laughing with him, letting him know you are thinking about him. Let him know he is loved. Problem solve with him when problem solving is needed. End stupid arguments quickly. Everyone has a bad day. I accomplish this by lifting my shirt. Works every time. Who can argue when there are boobs?
Being grounded with someone. Knowing them better than you know anyone else. Being playful, being open and willing. Trusting and being vulnerable. It is all something we should want to possess. Nothing is impossible to a willing heart. My heart is willing. Is yours?