As you head into 2018, we are all at different phases of our trauma recovery with our abuser. Forget resolutions. Instead, decide you are important enough to live your life as you were intended. Let go of the insults, continue to work on over coming the trauma but don’t dwell. I learned from my best friend that it was okay to dwell. “You have a right to a bad day, by tomorrow, I want you over it and ready to move on.” I followed that advice as best as I could and ultimately I realized that bitterness does not allow you to fly.
An abuser will not have regret or feel he or she wasted their time because they will never see that they are wrong. Seven years later as I deal with my children’s trauma and try to help them through, even when they flat out tell him why they are feeling like they are feeling, he takes no responsibility. He is not ever going to hold himself accountable. And it is so hard to walk away knowing you will never be heard, or understood or validated but they are sick individuals. Why do you need his or her validation so much? You don’t. It’s like asking a known criminal to validate you. You wouldn’t and I realize you loved them and I realize they had their good qualities but you have good qualities too. The difference is, you noticed their good qualities. They didn’t bother to notice yours. They were too busy trying to find fault and sucking the joy out of your life. An abusers soul purpose is to put you in your place.
Let go of the bitterness, need for validation and fly. Be who you were meant to be. Give yourself hope. It’s a new year.
All bitterness starts out as hurt and remember your abuser can feel bitterness too because after all, you are their supply and they are always the victim in need of control. The resentment wrapped up in bitterness makes you a victim. Of that there is no doubt and it becomes a mindset that poisons your future. I know. I was there. I was climbing out of my hell but I resented so much all that he continued to do to me. Withholding money, stalking, putting our kids in the middle and then I realized, I can’t control him and he was doing these things to continue to control me even though we were no longer together. So, I stepped back and decided to not dwell on what he was doing and I certainly was not going to bring it up to him. I had a lot of emotional junk and trauma to deal with but everyday I tried not to be bitter or resentful. I tried to just keep plugging along with my life. I wasn’t perfect by any means but I don’t ever try to be perfect. I just always try to do my best. I also changed my mindset from being a victim to being a target. He targeted me. Eventually I chose not to be the victim just his target. Once I was able to change my mindset, things started to fall into place for me faster. He still threw his curveballs but more and more I was winning. When he tried to shut down this blog through the court system, I did not show up in court and take a day off. (He had threatened to keep me in court so I would lose my job) Instead, I wrote a letter to the judge explaining what he had said and defended myself. I knew the law was on my side and I just wanted to remind her. A few days after the court date, I received an Order in the mail saying I had won the right to keep my blog.
My guess is, as long as he is his miserable self, I will always be his target, although I’m pretty sure once I have a man visibly by my side, that will end. But for now, it doesn’t end. He pulled some financial bullshit last month. I called him. He played his game and instead of getting angry I just said, “Okay, as long as you are aware you wrote the check out wrong. I was concerned you mixed me up with another person you owed.” That was that. I will bring it up in court on February when we go back and I am confident I will win. I just need to wait it out and not let it get to me.
Life is so much easier not waiting for him to see the light, put his kids first, treat his ex wife, the mother of his children, with respect, do the right thing etc… I removed all expectations. It was easy to do once I remembered how he had unreachable expectations for me and did so in order to make me fail. I didn’t need to make him fail. He is capable of that on his own. He will never be the Dad the kids need him to be. He will always come first in his life. He will play games for as long as he owes me money. Last month will not be the last time. Life is short. I want to live and love and enjoy myself with the people who matter. Not dwell on the fact that he will never take responsibility or understand the devastation he caused me and our children. I was able to let this go because he is incapable of any recognition in his part of the hurt he caused.
This attitude is more about me than him. It’s simple. I wanted to take flight and I couldn’t with him clipping my wings at every take off so, I took away his control and I started to soar.