Love should never hurt. Love protects and the day we lose sight of that, is the day we lose ourselves to their abuse and start believing that we are unworthy of love that protects and nurtures, supports and uplifts. We begin to lose our lives the day we become silent about those things that matter. Those things that matter to us or to the relationship. 1 in 4 women and men are abused. And while the ones you love can hurt you, it should never be an intentional act either physical, emotional or verbal that is solely for the purpose of hurting you and it is not the love part that hurts you. It is envy, it is rejection or loss but it is not love that hurts.
They give us their darkness and expect us to be their sun. We are not allowed to have a bad day or to mourn losses. We must always be strong, happy, beautiful because if we are anything other than that, we are not available to be exactly what they need us to be for them which is emotionally available so they can suck the energy out of us and boost themselves up. Our abusers are emotional vampires.
As you are aware from my last post, my ex abuser are once again fighting over money. It’s simple. He owes it according to the law and he does not want to pay it. “He’s done his time. Why am I trying to ruin his life financially and with my blog?”
My answer was this:
“If my blog destroys your life, then you probably should not have done things in our life that you did not want others to know about. Because if you had treated your family right, it wouldn’t be destroying your life. It would be enhancing your life because you would have a loving wife and your kids with you and I would be singing your praises as a husband and father. The truth of your actions was eventually going to catch up to you and destroy your life. I had nothing to do with that. No matter what my part was in our marriage, you were responsible for your actions.”
Because I like to be transparent on my blog, that is verbatim. He went on to say that I refused to talk about our sons and work together to help them into the next level of their education and future which seems like a normal request and if anyone were to read this, they would say I was being unreasonable, but I can’t work with someone on helping my son through his trauma because he caused the trauma and won’t take responsibility for it so what does he say next? And this is where the mind games come in and I used to feel bad and fall for them once upon a time. He said: “Then I’ll just be gone. I’m such trauma for all of you I will be out of all of your lives. And the 3 of you can just be happy” The trauma my children went through was not only caused by his abuse but by his leaving and coming back. It was normal for them to wonder if they would see their Dad again. Then it became normal for them to know Dad was just being Dad and eventually he would come home.
My response: “Thank you because if you won’t take responsibility for your abuse then we can’t parent our sons together.” He can’t help his son with the trauma he caused, if he won’t admit he caused the trauma.
You can’t be empathetic with abusers. They all have good qualities but we can’t allow their words to manipulate us back into their world. Their world is not safe. It is not normal. Which brings me full circle. We can’t be silent or we lose sight of what matters. We matter. Our children matter. The family and friends they won’t let us see, they matter. The fact that we try over and over and over again to do things their way to make them happy, that matters. But more importantly, the fact that their love hurts, it matters and only we are in control of not allowing them to hurt us anymore.