How do you trust again without over thinking everything?
I’m in a unique situation. My narc never cheated on me but there were plenty of other things that undermined our trust. Being controlling. Lying. Financial abuse. So, while I never had to worry about him stepping out on me which at one time was the most important thing to me. Fidelity. Towards the end, I wished he would find someone else, so he could stop focusing on everything that was wrong with me.
So how do you trust again without overthinking every phone call, every time he doesn’t call, every change in pattern in your lives?
I start with “Who is he?” in my mind. I self-talk through it. I answer myself. He is a man of his word. He is hard-working. He is the one who says you know him better than anyone else.
Then I turn to several things to keep my mind off those irrational thoughts. I call it having my toes on the platform to the crazy train. How I am feeling may be a distant feeling between he and I but I’m also self-aware enough to know that I may just be over-tired or worried about my son, any number of things that are exacerbating my irrationality. I cannot even call it insecurity because I trust him. I trust what I have with him but I’m not perfect, I question us and am very proactive in keeping us communicating and on track. Before involving him, I will:
• Call a friend to keep me from boarding that crazy train. Hopping on that ride won’t do he or I any good
• I go to the gym
• I listen to music, but it must be uplifting. No love songs or songs about heartache
• I reread our texts to remind me that even though he’s been on the quiet side the past few days, he has communicated and a lot of times I’ll be reminded of a meeting or obligation and I will realize he is probably tired or still involved in that responsibility
• I keep myself busy when he is super busy
• I will meditate
• I write down all that is bothering me and usually through that I figure out, this isn’t just about him. I’m just focusing on us because all else is falling around me. When my tower is crashing, I read every little letter, breath, non-response as we are crashing too.
When all else fails, after I have slept on it, I send him a text telling him my concerns and sometimes it is overwhelming even for me. As a writer, I will “throw-up” thousands of words all over the place through text. What usually happens is either a nice, long, calm response from him reminding me of what is going on in his life so that I can also relate to what he is dealing with. (we both have kids) Or a very calm response that says take a deep breath. We are okay. I’m dealing with XYZ right now. Hang tight. Once I get a calm, thoughtful response be it short or long, I am good. I am then able to put those thoughts aside and move forward.
Right now, I personally have a lot on my plate, so I know that it is not so much the change in communication between us as it is my own fight or flight response to all else dragging me down. The thing about me is I OWN it. I will say “I know I am pouting right now and I know that I am being irrational, but I don’t care. I don’t want to put my big girl panties on. I don’t want to be strong or brave or work through it right now. I want a hug and I want to know things are going to be okay.” I am that honest. Unfortunately, the hug doesn’t work when he’s out of town, but he calms me anyway.
So how do you trust again and not overthink? You forgive yourself when you can’t calm yourself. You think about the kind of man he is. Most of the time, if I stop to think about him and who he truly is, and how much I love him so unconditionally, I can fix my own mood but those times when I can’t, I have no problems reaching out to him. If I didn’t feel safe doing that, then there would be no trust and no relationship. Honest, communication and support for each other, that is how you trust without overthinking. If he doesn’t give you that or welcome that in your relationship, then it is time to move on.