I received an email from my ex after my last Be a Warrior blog. It said, “Do you want to ruin my relationship with Linda the way you did with Pam?” My ex narc was never one to womanize. He actually is quite faithful to my knowledge. It was one of the things that kept us together when he was abusive. Later, I wished he would cheat so his energy would be towards someone else and I could just raise the kids and get out of there but I digress.
So first of all, I did not ruin his relationship with Pam. He is responsible for his own relationships and if either one of these women are reading my blog, then it is up to them to decide if he is still exhibiting abusive behavior or red flags. That is not up to me. He is still abusing me at times but maybe he is fine with them. If he were fine, then there would be no reason for a break-up.
So here is my response through email to my ex:
I thought long and hard about what you asked about Linda. I think that as a grown adult, she should be able to make up her own mind based on your actions both past and present. If you have changed and make her happy, you have nothing to worry about. If you are still exhibiting abusive behavior in the slightest, then she needs to make her own decision. She is a smart, intelligent, beautiful woman. If she works in a lab, she obviously has a lot going for her and a kind heart to do research.
If a woman is raped and does not put her rapist away, she is just as guilty as he when he rapes again. Likewise, if a woman is abused throughout her entire marriage and does nothing to make sure the next one in line is safe, then she is just as guilty for that woman’s life being tormented or her being hurt as the abuser is himself.
And here is the thing, you can’t keep it together. Unless she gives up who she is and completely conforms to your mindset, you will lose it. Might be 2 months or 2 years but you will show your colors because you cannot live in a make-believe stance forever. It starts to take its toll on you and you start to crack and little bits of abuse start to leak out until it if full-blown.
It is so sad because you have so many redeeming qualities and can be so kind-hearted at times but you are completely incapable of sustaining a relationship that requires you to be real.
So, no, I don’t want to see your relationship with Linda ruined but I do want to make sure Linda is kept safe. She has too much to offer this world to let you suck the life out of her and hurt her. I know. I was there.
I feel for this woman. My children like her and from what I can surmise, her and I are a lot alike. The kids talk about her sense of humor etc. and I think “Wow, this is a woman I could be friends with because I already admire her. I admire her kindness to my boys. I admire the work she is doing.” She seems to glow in her pictures which to me means she is empathetic and spiritual. Yeah, they choose those of us with those qualities, although must be honest, I did not feel that with Pam. She was more of a doormat and he treated her like crap even around me.
So yeah, I’m concerned about her well-being but I am ultimately not responsible for whether or not they make it. And for her sake, I hope he can hold it together. I would never want anyone in my position. I had to climb out of the darkest place and I never wish anyone that pain and despair.
You ultimately have to do what you feel is right. I write this blog so people don’t feel alone but no one knows their abuser better than the target and you need to protect yourself at all costs so if warning the next target would mean harm to you, then don’t do it. Mine has a business that was his mistress and his children before his wife and biological children and he won’t do anything to interrupt that flow of money and he was always covert anyway. He has an image to uphold. But you must keep yourself safe.
Many blessings friends.
P.S. CLEARLY I AM HAVING A SPACE ISSUE SO I APOLOGIZE. If I figure it out, I will edit it.