exasperated-face_childOne thing you can count on with a narcissist is that anything you try to communicate or ask for their help on will become more difficult.  Any time you make a mistake, you’re an idiot and any time they make a mistake, they wish someone else had done it or it is indirectly someone else’s fault.  And they will always present a perfect family to the outside world while your world is crumbling around you within the wall of your home.  Lastly, their view of reality is so askew you think you are living in two separate worlds.  Reality check.  You are!  Theirs and the rest of the worlds.

Case in point:  I am very ill right now.  My son and I work together at a school.  I asked my ex if he could please pick up my son. I would take him because it is early and his hours are later than ours but if he could pick him up that would be a huge help.  No response to my email.  So I call and leave a message again asking if he could help. I give him the time, the address (because last time he didn’t listen and ended up at the wrong campus and somehow I was wrong) and said please let me know as I am the one asking and he cannot answer his phone at work.  Nothing.  That was last night.  So this morning, I call the business that he runs and I leave a message.  If you can’t pick him up that is fine but I need to know.  I get an email.  I just texted him.  Doesn’t tell me whether he can or cannot.  Does exactly what I asked him not to do.  Luckily, knowing his games, I had prepared our son for his part-time father’s games and said: “hey, if your dad texts you, I asked him to pick you up so please let me know because he won’t.”  I’m home, sick as a dog and jumping through hoops.  It would’ve been easier to ask for someone else’s help which I have a great support system because they know he is not but I always try to give him the opportunity to connect with his son even if it’s just a car ride.

This is a real email he sent to me after we got our son off to Syracuse University for his Junior year.  The conversation comes in where again, he didn’t listen and has to do with him going to the wrong place to pick up his son from training for work.  He wants to know why I don’t appreciate him for all he did for our older son getting into Syracuse.  I think the email and my response will come across clear but if not, feel free to ask questions because I know many of your realities are similar.

The Narc:

What burns my ass is that you can’t even acknowledge what I did for Sam and still do.
I managed his college fund (even after you tried to take it away) took him to all of the schools, helped him figure out the best fit and how to get there, paid his down payment out of my accounts, paid for everything last week including his groceries, ez pass,  and more for the whole year.
Taught him how to knock on the right doors and advocate for himself…Did you hear today’s good news about him and new classes? That’s because I showed him that it was possible.
We will never be anything but tolerant of each other and I am fine with that.
But not even a positive nod from you.
All you care about is that I made a silly error with picking up Joe.

My response:

First of all, You were not supposed to have any control over his college funds so the fact that you are in contempt of court is what burns my ass.  You think you are above the law. Your own attorney put someone else in charge of those accounts in our papers and you refused to hand them over so I didn’t try to make you do anything but follow the document you signed.
You make much more money than I do so you should be providing for your son.  I pay my share in rent and everything else to keep him here when he is NOT in school and after he turned of age while HE WAS at MCC.  You’ve never acknowledged the phone bills I pay every month for them from the time you walked your sorry ass out the door. I got them phones so they could talk to you.  I didn’t have to.
You didn’t teach him shit.  He went knowing how to advocate because as a SINGLE mom he was taught that a long time ago from the very first day he came home upset that he got teased for wearing nail polish in 1st grade and went in the next day with a picture of Steven Tyler wearing nail polish.  No one ever praised me when I went into MCC to help him advocate as back-up support.  I knew he could do it by himself.  Or the days I spent in middle school when his anxiety was so bad because of you that he could hardly function.  I taught him how to advocate for what he needed and I got him the help he needed.  You were against any form of help at all.
I’m not even tolerant of you.  I personally can’t stand you and your attitude that you have somehow had ANYTHING to do with these kids at all other than monetary support.  I played FEMA after they came home from weekends with you and I still play FEMA when they don’t want to tell you something or are afraid or you fuck things up with that damn attitude of yours. DON’T YOU DARE PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK.  Jesus, he wouldn’t even be attending Syracuse if I hadn’t gone and told the financial advisor I needed to get him there.  I told her how proud I was of him for being a bystander and survivor of domestic abuse.  That he had to deal with his Dad leaving him all the time and he still pulled his shit together and did great by NOT listening to his dad who wanted him to take more classes and taking his own journey by knowing his limitations and what he wanted.  THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.  You were in charge of money you were not supposed to be in charge of and you stepped up and finally spent something on your kids that didn’t involve being a Disney dad.
Yeah, I know about the classes.  And comparatively, not only did my lack of income save thousands of dollars in education both at MCC and now Syracuse, but I spent a lot of money as well and being the son of a teacher, you know we don’t get paid in the summer.  I spent percentage wise per my income that you did per yours.
The money you took out of your account will be put back with 529 money and his account will be depleted because you were in charge and didn’t plan on my ability to raise smart, educated kids.
SHAME ON YOU.  You stand their stomping your feet screaming and tantruming, “I’m in contempt of court but aren’t you going to pat me on the back and show me how much you appreciate me being a Dad?”  FUCK NO!
You are 55 years old.  If you still need my approval then you still have a lot of work to do because I can damn well tell you, the minute you walked out that door, I stopped looking for yours and it’s a good Goddamn thing because I was never going to get it and the pain of that, stopped.  It just….stopped.  What a relief.  I wanted very few things from you as your wife.  I got none of them.  Not a one.
Hey, thanks for a new blog post.
Oh yes, I did.  I call it like it is now. I don’t need to keep the peace anymore.

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