Do your work ladies and gents because loving again is indescribable. Here is the thing… ready? Nothing feels more perfect than normal. And by normal I do not mean boring or lacking passion. I mean normal as in healthy talks. Problems that get resolved. A relationship that lifts you up instead of weighs you down. No more being insulted for your hobbies, your likes, your dislikes. Teased maybe if that is okay in your relationship but not that look of judgment every time you head out the door to do something you enjoy or that person degrading you for your interests in front of others. Someone who says yeah, she likes to do x.y.z., I don’t personally get it but it makes her happy and so I’m happy.
A relationship where you can be honest. “My meeting starts in 5 minutes, so this is your warning”, because he knows you talk too much and he’s going to need to cut you off and you know, that he hates cutting you off and that is why he is saying it. Plus, he just called you out and you love that he knows you that well.
A relationship where having coffee together and reading side by side silently is as perfect as a Fall hike or a day trip.
You will make each other mad. That’s why God created make-up sex. And the fact that you leave your shoes all over the house, wherever you feel like dropping them, will either become an issue that you will fix or he will put them in the closet for you. Just like you will do something else that possibly he forgot to do or didn’t have time to do.
That’s what a normal partnership feels like. It’s accepting the perfect imperfectness of your partner. It’s allowing each other to be yourselves with no agenda, no malice, no insults. It’s pulling the words out of him when he isn’t used to sharing and him validating your feelings even though he’s not used to so much honesty.
You have to work on yourself. You have to be honest. You have the chance, after abuse and being miserable, to have any relationship you want. Ask yourself: Does he deserve me? It’s not being conceited. It’s keeping a check on what you want out of a partner. For me that involves but is not limited to:
- Is there an emotional connection?
- Does he respect and listen to me?
- Does he treat me like an equal? One of the kindest things he ever did was tell me to pick out some ties and send him pics. OMG, I loved that!
- Does he make me a part of his life in little ways like telling me about his day and his children and talk about work?
I’ve always only wanted one thing. A partner in life. I met my ex-narc at 19 in college and I never had the honesty, friendship, and partnership that I wanted in a life partner. He was incapable. He has no respect for women, to this day he couldn’t answer questions about me that most people who know me well could answer, I was never his equal. It was his house, his money, his car, his children that he would take away if I didn’t act the way he wanted. So those things are important to me and I found them in the relationship I have now.
I have a very thoughtful, passionate, intense, focused man. He makes me laugh. He accepts me for who I am but more importantly, the foundation of friendship that this relationship sits on is solid. We built that purposefully. He is teaching me how to be more logical and I hope that I am teaching him that it’s okay to be him and tell me how he feels, he will not be persecuted for it. My honesty is not something he is used to. We have the same core values and enjoy a lot of the same things while at the same time we have had very different lives. And yet, it is all those things that make us a perfect pairing.
I feel very fortunate, that the last half of my life will be spent with a man who out of all the qualities I love: Passion, intelligence, laughter, integrity….he brings me all that and so much more but he also brings me “normal”. Finally, after 56 years of being alive, I have found my partner. I trust this man with my life. I have love and I have normal.
What does your normal look like? You need to know.