My ex narc left in 2011. Here we are 2019 and he still has to have control over me. Let my experience be a lesson to all of you. You cannot co-parent with a narc.
When I first got my job after he left, I felt bad that he was paying so much in health insurance because he is self employed. He owns a music store in NY. I had free insurance through the County and did not need insurance. I also received a $860 bonus per year for not having insurance. I contacted my abuser to see if he wanted to put our children on my health insurance. I explained everything to him and he was all about it and thanked me for doing this for the family. That was actually my first red flag that I caught and ignored. Until then, when I tried to include him in things with the boys, he would say “no, we are not a family anymore.”
We signed the boys up and he started to pay me as it is deducted from my paycheck every week. He paid the entire amount for 4 years. At times, when he would start to be late with payments or cause issues, I would say, “I can remove the boys.” He finally served me with papers, I did not go to Court as he had me in court so much that I could not afford to go and quite frankly I didn’t care if the boys were on my insurance, only if he paid on time. The court issued an order saying that the boys were to be on my insurance because it is better. No big deal. But because I did not go, the court was unaware that I gave up a bonus every year. So now, because he is angry with me, he decided he is not paying the full share. I lose my bonus and I pay every month for my health insurance. It costs me close to $1600 year and I saved him $400 a month. The reason he was mad? He is in contempt of court and I brought it up to him and said he needs to turn the 529s over as stated in our Divorce Decree.
It doesn’t matter that we had an offer and acceptance. It doesn’t matter that he proved he understood by paying each month for four years. I now have to take him to court. So what is my recourse? Well, first of all, Mr. Popular Business man is in contempt of court. So, I will handle that at the same time. I am also going to see if our divorce decree is enough of a contract to let the credit agencies know when he is delinquent or late and I will file for attorney’s fees before taking him to court. I will also have a look at all of his financials since he just filed taxes and I will see if he owes me more money in child support. I might as well go all out.
The law does not pertain to them. Hell, the law does not even pertain to his attorney who is also a narcissist. But that’s another story that will involve a report to the proper people in my County.
Let this be a warning. We are good people. We try to do the right thing and we do what we feel is right for our children. THEY WILL NEVER PUT ANYONE BUT THEMSELVES FIRST and neither will their attorney. His attorney held my children when they were born because he was our attorney. His attorney had our children and myself over to his house. But when it all came down to the divorce, all they both ever cared about was how they could hurt us. They purposefully set out to hurt the children and myself. Playing games with insurance and child support and college money. It is still going on.
What I want to know is why? He has a girlfriend. Doesn’t she make him happy enough not to want to have contact? Why does he still need to control myself and the kids? And his girlfriend is a really beautiful soul. (but then narcs are always attracted to beautiful souls) I don’t get it. I don’t understand why I am even still on his radar. Why he isn’t just focusing on her and doing what is written in in our agreements and the law. I guess he wasn’t kidding when I told him I wanted to divorce. He said he would not live without me. I was his right hand and he would make my life hell. He’s tried but I’m so happy being away from him that even being broke doesn’t bother me as much as lying next to him did. It used to make my skin crawl any time he brushed up against me towards the end. He felt like pure evil. Those of you who have been with a narc/abuser know what I am talking about. It is a darkness that is hard to describe. It reminds me of the dementors in Harry Potter where they are doing everything they can to suck the soul out of you, take your life, make you grey, steal your light. Their very presence makes you feel as if your heart is breaking in two. The pain and sadness is unbearable. You are left feeling as if you have entirely lost yourself. You are drowning in shallow water. They hold your face under the water until you can no longer breathe and then they pull you up again so that they can be your hero. They have given you life! Be thankful! You are confused and disgusted when they finally decide to be nice to you. It cycles over and over again. And when you leave, you escape the darkness but not the control. They still cycle. Sometimes co parenting in a positive way but most of the time not and you realize nothing has changed, even when you see him being thoughtful and nice to the girlfriend, nothing has changed, he’s just been able to keep it together. Hell, if they are not living with them, they can keep it together for a year or two and to do that, they continue to abuse you, so they don’t abuse her. If you really step back, he is still treating you the same way he treated you when you were married. Withholding funds, holding you under water and sucking the life out of you.
They make up their own rules. It’s hard. Even now, I waited against my attorney’s advice giving him a chance to pay what he owes me and he won’t pay so I’ve lost 2 weeks but win or lose, this time I am not keeping the peace for the sake of the children. They are old enough now to know Daddy can be arrested and Dad needs to live up to his end of the contract.
I’ve always said he was an honest business man but if I was a customer and knew how he treated his children and ex wife and the fact that he is in contempt of court, I might think twice. I just don’t know anymore. Is is possible to have integrity in business and no integrity in your personal life?
Let me know your thoughts.