I had a run in with my narc today. He invited me into the living room of his house where I stood explaining to him why the bank would not accept his check. It’s not the mistake on the check that I was upset about. Everyone makes mistakes and we have been arguing over money he owes me so it could’ve been intentional but once I spoke with him, I took the high road and said to him, “I’m not upset about the mistake. I’m upset about the lack of communication. The lack of response.” To which he replied, “I don’t read anything you send me because you have been nothing but mean to me for the past 10 years.” I had to laugh since this was coming from a man who called me every name in the book in front of our children, choked me while I was holding our new born on Christmas day and pretty much terrorized me in ways that no one can imagine. But it’s not even the having to lock myself in the bathroom to protect myself or run out of the house so he could not hurt me, it’s always been the words. The words that attack my character and who I am as a human. When I loved him, it was the realization that he saw me as no one else in this world saw me and I couldn’t understand how I could have meaningful relationships with others and not him.
One thing lead to another and I began to see how warped his sense of our life is. So many untruths and forgotten sabotages on our life. Too many choke holds and punches and threats forgotten and I started to say, “That is not what happened….” and I stopped and as I did he said, “You are ruining my life with your blog. I never once said anything unkind about you when we split.” And, he did, but I just looked at him and said, “How could you? There is not much to tell. Everything I did after we split, I did to the best of my ability. Taking care of our house, finances, helping our children. Every day I did my best and I did it alone. What is there to say? If you don’t want people to know the real you, then you should’ve treated me better.” and he said, “Some things are meant to be private.” He never denied he did it, he never defended himself during the conversation, just said it shouldn’t be announced for everyone to see.
You see, my ex wants to start his life over. He just wants to be him and forget all the damage he did to me emotionally and to his children. He doesn’t care what we had to work through. He doesn’t care how we still have stuff we are sifting through. He doesn’t care. He only cares that no one knows he nearly destroyed 3 lives. My ex still hasn’t learned that I am a warrior. I may not go after things with him to keep peace for the children but that does not mean I am complacent. It just means he is not worth my time.
I am a warrior. I kept my kids as mentally healthy and stable as I was capable and I have damn good kids. We all show signs at one time or another of trauma from domestic abuse but we work through it. We yell, we scream and cry and we make up. We let the hurt out. Most importantly, we communicate.
So, to my ex and his lawyer who watch this page, start from the beginning so you know exactly what you subjected the boys and I to, pull on your big boy pants because the blog isn’t going anywhere and strap yourself in because this girl is about done with both of you. It’s about time someone took some responsibility for their actions. Let me see…harassment, (he keeps suing me) 19 years of continuous emotional, financial, verbal and physical pain, would warrant a tort case which would cover decades of non stop physical and mental abuse.
I would love to be the warrior who sue and wins. Not because I want the money, but because I want to set a precedent in New York State for future domestic abuse survivors. Unfortunately, suing takes money and I am also a product of financial abuse. But I keep my hopes up for that one hungry attorney who wants to blaze a trail.
It should be kept private. Out of all that was said, it still came down to what he needed and that was that no one in our community know that he is an abuser and still continues to do so while divorced. I wonder how his girlfriend feels about all the time he spends on me. Hmmm… curious….