I have absolutely no interest in my ex narc. Once we split, I had already worked through my hurt in our marriage and I was ready to move on. I only went to counseling because he brought our younger son into our issues and he came home crying after a weekend with Dad not understanding why I wouldn’t go to counseling with Daddy. So I went for our son. To prove to him that Mommy would try. He was too young to know we had been kicked out of marriage counseling because his Dad was abusing the counselor. Too young to know that a judge sent him to anger management classes to keep him out of jail. Way to young. So I went every week until our new marriage counselor looked at me one day after yet another attempt to abuse me and said, “MaryLee do you really want to continue this marriage? He isn’t going to change.” and I said, “No.”
I see this really beautiful woman. My ex abuser’s girlfriend. (2nd since the split. He abused the first one and she said no to the marriage proposal) Full of light and love and I think, what is she thinking? Does she think I never sent him lovely cards telling him I love him and love us? That I didn’t want to hold his hand or be affectionate? That I wasn’t happy, and full of light as she is? That I don’t have her love of animals and being a Mom? Does she not understand that I loved that man with every ounce of my being?
I look at her with him and I see that she can only see the good. Like I did. That she is accepting the way I was of his insecurity and intensity and over-reacting. That she is focused on the man who opens a door, compliments her and shows his fun side. I wonder if she thinks I didn’t see that. If I didn’t know the good side. That the good side was always there. And trust me, I know his sister and brother, who both told me to leave him several times and would not visit when he was there because of his moods, are also filling her head with versions of what I all “their world”. These are wounded individuals. Highly successful but very wounded individuals. I worry that she loves him so much and hasn’t seen the dark side yet. The side where his blue eyes change to black. The side where words come out of his mouth that you never thought any human would say to another. I do believe that the physical violence may be under control now and he won’t go there but I always thought the physical injuries healed much faster than the emotional and verbal abuse. I can still hear those from time to time when triggered.
I see her full of hope that people can change and yet, he still treats me the same and no amount of kindness on my part will ever make him treat me differently. If he has truly changed and he is truly into only her, then he would treat me with respect in front of his kids, deal with matters at hand and communicate when needed and concentrate on her. He is still hell bent on hurting and controlling me. I want to yell, “Red flag” but I can’t. She has too much hope and love at this point. And I wonder if she even knows what he does and says to me still and if so what is she thinking?
My main concern right now is her safety. That is it. I want to know that she has someone who will validate her when she needs to talk about him. I want to know that she has people who are checking in with her mental and emotional well being. I need to know he won’t physically hurt her.
She is a beautiful soul. I don’t want her light to be dimmed. I don’t want her to spend the next year, when he finally shows his true colors, wondering what she did wrong. I don’t want her to listen to his hurtful words when they finally come out and feel she is less.
I want her to know that she is me 20 years ago. The cards, the love, the understanding….I see myself in her and we are so much alike that it is scary. Even my children said “she is so much like you Mom.” And I also want her to know, I hope he has changed because those good qualities are really good but, if he hasn’t changed, I hope now at our age, she knows it is not enough and he will never change.
The last thing I would say to her is I am here for you. I will validate you should he ever hurt you in any way. I will never judge you because I was you. I will never say I tried to tell you because many people saw it before I did and I stayed 28 years. I get it. I will help you heal. I will fix your crown after he has knocked it off and I will hold you up until you can hold yourself back up. And I mean this sincerely. But most of all, I hope he has changed enough that none of this is necessary. I truly hope I am wrong. And girlfriend, I am in love. I have no interest in him and I want to thank you for being so wonderful to our boys.
Shine on sister! Don’t let that ass-hat steal your light.