Under New York law, both parents must financially support the child until the child is 21 years old. If the child is under 21 and married, self supporting or in the military, then the child is considered emancipated and the parents can discontinue the support. And yet, the asshat I was married to decided to send me a letter telling me that he is going to petition the Courts to stop our son’s child support because he is working.
Our son took a year off from school due to anxiety and instead of lying around and playing video games and slacking, he came to work at the school where I am employed and loved it. He works 1:1 with autistic children. He still plans on pursuing his psychology doctorate. He still plans on doing classes but our school will pay his tuition so that when he goes back full time and isn’t working, he can use the rest of his 529 to finish as much school as possible before he needs to take on loans. He is 19 and is a part of the NYS Teacher’s Retirement system! But instead of being proud of his decisions and happy that I was able to motivate him, he is punishing us. Our son could not live on his own with what he makes and we are not able to live now with the child support. We juggle paycheck to paycheck paying bills and trying to work in food and gas once all is paid but this asshat wants to work something out between the two of us without attorneys. WHAT PLANET IS HE FROM? Seriously, he never paid enough to begin with. I supported all their extras with no help. If you go into his house, in his back room there is a wall with our older son’s senior pics on it. I let him purchase pics without getting the 1/2 of the sitting fee up front so consequently, I never received it. When our youngest, the one he is trying to penalize now had his done, I let him know, you need to pay your share. You need to pay this sitting fee. I paid the last one. He refused so our younger son does not have a place on his wall. He has younger pics around that make him look like a supportive, loving Dad but no senior pics on his Dad’s wall because out of principal, in his head, he did not have to share in that extra cost. And yet, our Divorce Decree clearly outlines these things.
I choose not to respond to his letter but his son did. It will be interesting to see how this plays out. In the mean time, I’m praying that we will be okay and not have to move again. I’m off to another 12 hour day, having been woken up by the anxiety of what to pay this paycheck and what to pay next paycheck. And he is going to take us to Court. In the meantime, he has a house rented for Memorial Day weekend where he gets to play host and Disney Dad, if the boys decide to go but in his mind, his responsibilities as a Dad are over. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all choose when we want our responsibilities to end? I’d love not to pay my rent this month and yet, I will be stopping by my landlords today and paying it. Why? Because I’m an adult who does not feel entitled to pick and choose. I live in the real world and abide by the documents that I signed. And here is the clincher, his asshat attorney wrote the Divorce Decree but both of them have always felt they were at liberty to not follow it. Here I am 7 years later still shaking my head at his total lack of comprehension. I once again will play FEMA when he hits. I will clean up the mess and the anxiety and the emotional crap when the boys feel their father’s hurricane come through our house once again. I will strap on my waders and clean up gear, gather my strength and show the boys that we’ve got this. We will be okay no matter what shrapnel is in that hurricane of his.
No matter how he feels about me at this point, I gave him 2 precious gifts that should mean the world to him. He should treat me with respect and kindness because he could not have had his business without me giving up my career and he would not have these 2 beautiful souls that he should want the best for always. But they are a different breed aren’t they? Abusers/Narcissists. They truly never love with their whole heart. And unless you are close to them, and know them well, they have you fooled. I knew this was coming. I told my younger son that I felt he was planning this and my younger son got mad at me. I’ve been saying it for 5 months and we actually fought about it so I dropped it. When that letter came he just looked at me and said, “I didn’t want to believe you Mom. I didn’t think he would do such a thing.” Welcome to your father. It’s okay to love him and not like him or his actions. I’m sorry Buddy.
It’s a fine line we walk every day. You want to protect your children but you also don’t want to alienate them by talking down their father. We have to teach them boundaries and sometimes they learn the hard way by experiencing their father’s actions and it is painful to watch because you know every time it happens, he has killed off a piece of himself in their hearts.