In all of the abuse groups I belong to, the most common thing I hear and see and it is on a daily basis, is “Why did the sex have to be so good?” It is complicated and I can only scratch the surface. For most, you think it was good because it was intense, the one time you were feeling accepted and loved and close to your abuser. But the reality is how good could it be if there was no trust? If he was not satisfied with only you? If that goodness did not carry over into your every day life?
For a while, it was the only place that I felt I was doing a “good job” and in my mind, if he wanted me, then I had to be making him happy right? No. Abusers are users. They are lacking so much emotionally that they lack the understanding of how sex and your relationship go hand in hand.
A good relationship will enable sexual surrender on both sides. That means that letting go of insecurities both with your body and in your mind, and trust are the single most important thing in the sexual relationship. Good sex does not have an orgasm focus but rather a focus of togetherness that encompasses all kinds of bliss from beginning to end. Sexual surrender is complete surrender. Where you are most vulnerable and unable to defend. You cannot control the outcome and you don’t care to control it. With that trust and ability to surrender and be yourself and not worry about how you look or whether your partner is going to talk to you tomorrow, comes a trust and strength that carries through to your non sexual relationship. There is no fear of not being accepted for who you are in any capacity.
So then maybe the answer to that question is why don’t you love yourself enough to know it wasn’t all that good? Everything we do in any relationship starts with self love. It’s knowing what it acceptable and what is not. Some women and men are so focused on being sexually attractive and wanted that they fail to see they are being used. A sexually confident woman, does not need to prove anything to anyone. The only thing that needs to happen is: Can he prove he is worthy of you and your body and your love? Does the way he treats you outside the bedroom, make him deserving of you in the bedroom? If you can’t do anything right, are constantly walking on egg shells, he’s cheating, he’s calling you names, you feel like an outsider in your own relationship or home, then Hell no! He does not deserve you. And you have to love yourself enough to not have to only feel loved when someone wants you sexually. It all comes back to….yes, self love!
A man who can surrender to you as easily as you can surrender to him, does not make you feel unloved in your life together, he is not controlling you or micromanaging you. He is trusting and loving. He deserves you. Notice I did not say perfect! (We do not deny sex as a way to get our own way or punish our significant other.) When love and trust and mutual respect is present, then the foundation on which your outside relationship sits is solid and the trust and respect in the bedroom will carry over into your every day life.
So, was the sex really good? Some will still say yes because the emotional part of the sexual experience is not what they care about and that is okay but for most of us, the connection in every day life and the connection we have with our lover is what carries us through our day. He or she is that one person in which you trust yourself, your thoughts, your soul to and if you don’t think about the person in your life that way, then what you have is just sex and sex like that gets boring, it dies out because it is all about the performance and the end goal and not about the person you are sharing the experience with and your connection to them. It becomes a show and not a spontaneous exploration of each other. Which may be why you thought the sex was so good and he’s somewhere else getting more. He’s unable to connect and therefore, will never be fulfilled.
A part of overcoming abuse for some, is getting over the idea that sex is the only way they can prove they are loved.
Think about it. I hung on to that part of our life for quite a while and then I thought, No! You cannot call me names and then be loving to me the minute you walk in the bedroom. I got told the bedroom was different. He didn’t mean all the things he said about my body or me. He was just angry. We’ve always been good here. When I act like that, it shouldn’t carry over into the bedroom. The bedroom is our sanctuary. Hell no! I realized the night of that conversation that my energy was sexually healing to him. He felt most loved and connected in the bedroom and was unable to carry it out into our every day life and I was from that point on, unwilling to only be loved in the bedroom. We started to struggle and the few times we tried to have any sort of sexual relationship, he started to critique my responses and that was it. I was unable to be myself, respond in a way that I was feeling, I took that intensity he brought and I squashed it and now he could not function emotionally without it. He needed it to live. It made him feel in control and it was all he knew. My ex narc never cheated to my knowledge and he continued to try to pull me close but I was gone. The abuse had taken it’s toll and he was unable to make the connection between the bedroom and our real life and eventually I refused to live a lie and I refused to have sex with someone that I could not trust to accept me for who I was. I needed to be able to be me and not have a head full of worry about how I’m responding, how I look and how he would treat me when it was over. Once I started to love myself again, that part of our relationship had to die because he wasn’t worthy of all I had to offer.
All healing starts with self love. Will I ever be over the torment and words he said? I don’t know, but man, do I have a great chance at it now because of who loves me. If I am ever going to overcome, it will be because of 1. all the work I have done and 2. the man who loves me right now. You need to be with someone who gets you or at least wants to get you! A man who takes all that emotion you have and knows how to channel it into positive sexual energy. Any man who doesn’t ask you to water down your emotions and understands why they are there, is worth his weight in gold. He’s the man you want to surrender to. He’s the one that instead of saying, Why did the sex have to be so good? You will be saying, “Man, not only does he love me on my worst day, but damn! The sex is phenomenal!” And it will be so because he is worthy of your love.