It is through my transparency on this blog that I hope I will help others with their transformation.
We can’t run from our battles. We can’t give some people a second chance. Toxic is toxic. I don’t care if it is a lover, husband, parent, child or friend. Only we can remove ourselves from their toxic behavior and as parents, we have a responsibility to our children to help them maneuver their toxic parent.
We need to teach them to set boundaries. We need to teach them that treating their other parent, the way that parent treats them is not how the world works. Grace, boundaries and helping them understand that it is okay to love that toxic parent and remove themselves because they don’t like their behavior is an important lesson.
We are all dealing with something. Usually we are dealing silently. Possibly we are embarrassed that we let someone treat us that way. Perhaps we don’t want to air dirty laundry or ruin the other person’s reputation.
One day I woke up and realized that I never wanted another person to live my hell if I could help it. I was sick of living a lie. Sick of him presenting our lives as perfect. Sick of hearing how much he loved me from others when at home, he was telling me behind closed doors all that was wrong with me and how much he hated our life.
I wasted many years of my life trying to make someone happy who could never be happy. Even now, we all agree, his smiles are fake. Creepy was a word that was used. He is over the top when in public. Flirting with waitresses, and joking with people. But the kids and I know the other side. We know that side that would put the waitress on the spot and have her jumping through hoops trying to explain something ten different ways and we haven’t forgotten it.
One sided expectations destroy you. It all starts right there with you. Don’t give your all to someone who doesn’t give you their all, face your demons, work on you and don’t be afraid to walk away from anyone who is toxic. You need to go through the process. You need to hurt. Scream. Or in my case, recently, lose your mind on your boyfriend without realizing where it is coming from. I came unglued. I wanted to run. I wanted to fight. I wanted to do anything but have a logical conversation about what hurt me. But through all my mistakes in how I handled my pain, he was worth the effort to talk and not run. He deserves more than my sharp, biting tongue that I learned to use when hurt or confused by my abuser. He let me know his worth and said he understood why I responded that way but that it was not the way someone should respond to someone they love and he was right.
I faced that battle. I gave him a chance to explain his thoughts, all the while wanting to run or scream. I listened without thinking ahead on how to respond which is something I always did with my abuser. I trusted him enough to lead the conversation. It was mature. It was normal and we were both transparent and we walked away stronger. Unlike a narc conversation, this one will be dropped and I will have a chance to use my new skills at a later date.
It all starts with you. Stop breaking your own heart. Stop thinking you can control someone’s loyalty. You can’t.
I’m blessed. I have a loyal, committed, funny and understanding life partner all rolled up into one man and I have many friends as well who made it through the cut as I hacked people out of my life a few years ago. I worked hard to get to the place of transparency that I am now and I stood tall in every battle to work on myself. And you know what? I’m still learning to be the best I can be and I don’t plan to ever stop evolving and loving someone who deserves me as fiercely as I can.